Ode(s) to Jack Ryan
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OK so here we go. We were enjoying watching "Jack
Ryan", a series on demand on Amazon, starring John
Krasinski, whom you may know from "The
Office". And then about a week back we watched the
movie "Patriot Games", based on the Tom Clancy
book. In the process we were curious about the
number of actors and the number of movies with the
Jack Ryan character, so I checked it out and here
are the results: |
| 1990 - The Hunt for Red October (Alec Baldwin) |
| 1992 – Patriot Games (Harrison Ford) |
| 1994 – Clear and Present Danger (Harrison Ford) |
| 2002 – The Sum of All Fears (Ben Afflick) |
| 2014 – Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (Chris Pine) |
| 2018 – Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan (on demand series) (John Krasinski) |
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At which point we decided we had better watch all of them. And here is where things get odd, and where you will say: "Mahoney has WAY too much time on his hands". Yes, "Bill the Bard" has written a set of poems, one for each Jack Ryan. Before we begin, one note: Chuck will confirm that a "common access card", or CAC, is pronounced as "kack" and can be a noun or a verb. A person might "kack in" to a "skiff". So you'll want to say "kack" for that, but want to say "see eye aay" for the spy agency. Also, most poems don't have footnotes but our first one does, and I will put the footnote here so you can watch it first: |
The Hunt for Red October
Our hero Jack is seasick.
The ocean's not a thrill.
He's on a submarine you see.
Down there with all the krill.
First up it's Alec Baldwin.
He's Jack Ryan initially.
A CIA historian,
agent unofficially.
We also have Sean Connery,
a Russian who'll defect.
And take his sub right with him.
Unless it first gets wrecked.
'cause a loyal cook is on there,
a secret party man.
He'll try to sink the submarine,
lest Sean mess up his plan.
But Jack is wise to their game.
He knows what's going on.
"Let's grab that sub and take it home!
Before things go too wrong!"
(Down there below the sea,
would give this poet willies.
"Verify range to target,
one ping only, Vasilly!") [1]
They bring it home, I mean the sub,
and there. The ending. I said it.
So let's just move things right along,
past these ending credits.
(Will Baldwin's stardom still loom large,
after that tragic gun discharge?)
Patriot Games
The Ryans are in Balfast.
They're on a family trip.
Things are going smoothly,
but then a major blip.
"The Troubles" are still going on.
The IRA comes calling.
It's a hit! Oh holy shit!
Jack Ryan won't be stalling.
He yells "Get Down!" to wife and kid,
but some victims still get shot.
Jack's in the fray to save the day!
He thwarts their killing plot.
The assassination big shot's pissed.
"Trust me, I'll respond!
I think I'll trail those Ryans home.
I'm going to cross the pond!"
They have a big white country house,
Perched right above the sea.
How do they afford this place?
On an agent's salary?
Of course, it sits right on a cliff
to make it more dramatic.
The IRA guys climb right up,
their guns on automatic.
It's all at night and here's a storm
to hide attacker's tracks.
Besides, with all that lightning,
we'll have a good climax.
K'pow and crash! The lightning booms.
The bullets start to fly.
IRA guy's in the house!
They'll try to kill our spy.
But don't worry if you're reading this.
This fight is no game changer.
The Ryans have to live through it,
for "Clear and Present Danger".
Clear and Present Danger
Yes it's true, Han Solo's back.
But this one's pretty boring.
Well, maybe it's not all that bad,
but both of us were snoring.
We have Columbian drug lords.
It's really quite confusing.
We think that this entire movie's
not at all amusing.
I write this poem as it's on.
Maybe more than meets the eye?
But this Jack Ryan's not that good.
Watch the rest? We're asking why.
James Earl Jones. He has cancer.
And will the movie improve?
He plays James Grier. What's the answer?
(I'll just leave things here with no rhyme because it really is not very good at all.)
The Sum of All Fears
A fission bomb in Baltimore.
The Super Bowl is toast.
The president is still OK.
They got him out pre-roast.
His limo flipped, he hit his head.
(That's got to be a stun!)
And even though his forehead bled,
he's off for Air Force One.
Jack Ryan didn't fare so well;
his helicopter crashed!
The shockwave hit it in mid-flight.
The whole airframe was smashed.
Jack found his boss but he is dying.
He'll soon be permanently dream'n.
Let's grab his CAC and cell phone! Quick!
Poor old Morgan Freeman.
With the phone, to headquarters!
Jack, CAC right in the gate!
He has to text the Kremlin
before it's all too late!
The pres' switches to Defcon One.
The nukes are going to fly!
Jack has to contact the premier,
and try to explain why!
Just in time he does get through.
The bombers are called back.
It was almost Armageddon.
But not when we've got Jack.
Turns out to be a Nazi plot.
To get us to launch nukes.
Then bad guys will take over.
Those Nazis. Bunch of kooks.
But while he's on the hotline,
texting with the Russian head,
the two decide to order pizza!
And have it delivered instead.
(This part I just put in there. But it sounded good and we had pizza last night.)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Wait. Isn't that guy Captain Kirk?
But where's the Enterprise?
We're also missing Spock and Bones.
It's quite a shock. Surprise!
'cuz now Jack Ryan is Chris Pine.
And this one is a prequel.
It has a few timeline mistakes,
all things being equal.
It seems to happen modern day,
which doesn't make much sense,
but we're sure to have some action,
and things will be intense.
But if this happened before the sub
set sail for the Northern Fleet,
the history doesn't all add up.
I guess we'll let them cheat.
This time Jack's in bank accounting
and also the C I A.
He discovers some anomalies.
The Russians again? No way!
They buy a ton of option "puts".
Then launch a terror attack.
Economic calamity!
Unless we're saved by Jack.
There's a bomb sitting in a van.
It's painted with "Police".
If Jack can just disarm it
the entire plot will cease.
"Tell you what" says our hero Jack,
"I'll thwart this whole terrorist attack!
I'll drive this van and it will smack,
Into the harbor, you Russian quack!"
Kaboom! The water sprays up high.
The questions left unknown are
whether Red October's guys
picked it up on SONAR.
Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan
This is a series on demand.
And this'll stop my riff'n.
You see I just can't comprehend
Jack Ryan? From Dunder Mifflin?